ADVICE CORNER: ARM-A-PETTIN' — wmattstewart.com

Some smarty-pants theologians surmise that if THE RAPTURE is limited to those bathed in the holy glow of Jesus Christ, then pets will be among those Left Behind come the day of reckoning. In the wild, eternal salvation takes a backseat to making nests and wallowing in stuff.

So the deep-held hope that man’s best friend will be spirited away alongside the naked faithful, leaving behind his collar and perhaps a seasonal scarf to be rejoined with his testes on Elysium Fields -- according to Evangelical Christians, not gonna happen.

Sensing opportunity, Bart Centre formed Eternal Earthbound Pets, USA, "The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post-Rapture World”. This guy assembled a crack team of atheists, each screened for their undeviating belief in a barren, godless existence who, in the days after the sky swirls with angels trumpeting the Lord’s return, will go around to their Raptured clients’ houses and rescue their pets. And then support and care for them during the ensuing hell on earth.

Assume for a moment that Armageddon plays out according to Evangelical Doctrine. And assume these Atheists are sincere in their pledge -- it seems neither party has fully considered the logistics of pet-sitting in a post-apocalyptic landscape!

Aren’t there supposed to be plagues and famine? Pestilence on a global scale? Isn’t a third of the earth’s grass supposed to burn? If so, where will the puppies go poop and pee? Come Judgment Day are the wretched and sore-ridden remains of mankind really going to brave lakes of bone and bile to clean a litter box?

Modern infrastructures will be nonexistent! Commerce possible only by bearing the mark of the beast. And the $110 flat fee hardly takes into account cost-of-living increases. At some point, the Anti-Christ makes an appearance, perhaps on TMZ. What if he's not a cat-person?!

MY ADVICE TO THE EVANGELICALS:

Say goodbye to your pets now. Treat every moment like your last. If you really love them, you'll distribute cyanide capsules to take at the moment the shit goes down. Later, when the lamb opens the 7th Seal, try to act surprised. Also, please go to the gym; your naked body disgusts me.

MY ADVICE TO THE ATHEISTS:

Start hoarding Alpo now. Be prepared to make hard decisions, like whether to eat the pets, eat each other, or eat the Alpo. Get used to trumpets. As for his brass section, Jesus will likely recruit the best (Galespie, Armstrong, etc.) so you have that to look forward to. When the final battle between good and evil erupts, try not to let on that you bet on Satan. Also, and this is very important, get yourself some comfortable shoes.