BUBBLES SHOULD BE SEEN & NOT HEARD

LaToya recently spoke to News of the World and let the proverbial chimp outta the bag:

Michael Jackson purportedly spent thousands of dollars consulting scientists in an effort to bestow the power of speech unto his beloved chimp Bubbles!!!

Much has been made of Jacko's eccentricities over the years, and my first reaction was, "Of course he did." So it's not my intent to belittle him for this latest quirky revelation -- merely to chastise him for such irresponsible behavior!

Granted he danced away his boyhood and perhaps never saw the Charlton Heston / Roddy McDowell starrer "Planet of the Apes" or its sequels (special attention to "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes")...

Had he, Jacko would've known better than to flirt with such a disastrous idea.

A HYPOTHETICAL TIMELINE

1985 - Jacko's mad scientists effectively retool Bubbles' larynx, enabling him to speak broken high school Spanish.

1987 - Many song, dance, and english lessons later, Bubbles accompanies Jacko on the Bad World Tour, whereupon he eclipses his master in popularity and merchandising revenues.

1988 - Bubbles goes solo, backed by all-orangutan choreography. Due to mismanagement and conflicts with the record label, Bubbles "voluntarily" retires from the music biz. But inside he is seething with monkey rage!

1991- San Francisco - In a cataclysmic encounter with the National Guard, Bubbles leads an Ape Revolt, repeating the word he's heard human masters invoke time and time again: "NO!" Gorilla revolutionaries brandish machine guns and somehow destroy the entire United States infrastructure.

2021 - Post-Apocalypse - Bubbles, now recognized as leader of all Apekind, rules Ape Village with an Iron Paw, treating humans as second-class citizens. Eventually culminates in a climactic battle pitting Ape against Man. Spoiler alert: Man loses.

3085 - Bubbles' descendants now rule the earth, and are throwing poop every-which-away.... 

Ask me about my spoof screenplay Escape From the Battle Beneath (For the Conquest of) The Planet of the Apes. Seriously. Ask.