10 OLYMPIC EVENTS AMERICA CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE IN 2008

From one who's never paid much attention to the Olympics -- America's manhood is on the line! 

Bragging rights count on the global stage. Friends and enemies alike must be crushed under America's star-spangled heel, if for no better reason than to prove our might. And Mighty we are! Like Thor!

1. Weight Lifting. Symbolic of America's strength as a nation we can't pansy out when it comes to raising maximum poundage above our heads. The Russians see us falter for one second and it's on with the tickle fight!

2. Rowing. What message would it send to our Navy Seals if our Nation's greatest athletes can't row a damn boat fast?! These guys can row a skiff into a U-boat so quick it makes it explode!!

3. Basketball. Losing in basketball to the Red Chinese would be tantamount to losing a cheese-eating contest to a family of mice. We're bigger and hungrier than that.

4. Track & Field. In the bag. For all intents and purposes, we've outsourced our track & field needs to Kenya. They do the legwork, we keep the medals. That's the deal.

5. Women's Vollyball. Why didn't anyone tell me? Had I known the lanky trollop sextravaganza awaiting me, I could have been watching this, with parental consent, in 1988. Possibly jump-starting puberty by a full five years.

6. Archery. In the unlikely event of an apocalyptic battle royale where gunpowder is scarce and arrows grow on trees we definitely want the upper hand. Over the Norwegians.

7. Equestrian Sports. Horse-doings are as manly as America gets; the image of of cowboys riding around and doing all sorts of cowboy things leads me to believe we can't possibly lose this one.

8. Table Tennis. Robert Zemeckis pretty much said it all in his ground-breaking ping-pong documentary, Forrest Gump: Even the stupidest American can beat the smartest foreigner when it comes to pong.

9. Trampoline. I found this under the current list of Olympic sports and just assume it's important for America to jump higher than the rest. Over fences and such.

10. Fencing. For obvious reasons. America doesn't want to get stabbed in the face.